I've come to a realization that I am in fact awkward.
I am awkward at work.
I am awkward at church.
I am awkward at university.
I never use to be awkward or quiet or even boring.
Sometimes I think myself to be boring, I feel that people around me find me boring because I don't drink or party.
Sometimes I feel like I'm awkward because I'm viewed as a teenager still, not the married woman that I am. But, in fact thats another awkward thing about me, I am a 20 year old who has been married for a year already. To most people, thats weird. So they think I'm weird.
I feel that people don't think I have a personality because they don't give me the chance to show it.
People call me timid and not outgoing, but I know that in actual fact, I'm not either of those things, I have a voice that no one hears because I'm not the outspoken or loud character. I feel people see my innocence as weird. And just because I'm a 'church girl' they automatically think I'm strange.
I find that my conversations are strained or awkward sometimes because I have nothing to say that people will find interesting, or I find it interesting but they don't.
I use to out and party with my school friends, but since I started university I don't, I don't want to go out clubbing.
I also feel like I'm not part of a group or clique anymore, it's just me. I am happy in my solitude but there are times I feel lonely. Loneliness is a form of being. You can be lonely in a good way, or you can be lonely. Full stop. There is no more.
There are times I lay in bed unable to get out because I have nothing to do, I have nothing to do but the same things over and over again.
I sometimes get emotional because I don't have many friends where I live, or that my friends live far away from me, or we've lost contact.
I know I have brilliant friends that comfort me and care for me, I know that I have a wonderful husband who looks after me and strives to make me happy and I have a family who adore me.
I am awkward. But I am me.